Trisha Sanders featured in Bergen Magazine (November 2024)

Please enjoy Trisha's post "A Truce at the Dinner Table" (page 18) of Bergen Magazine

A TRUCE AT THE DINNER TABLE?

We love our families, but sometimes getting everyone together—especially during holidays—can cause stress. To help you navigate big personalities and intense discussions, BERGEN asked Trish Sanders, a licensed clinical social worker and director of Wholefamily Therapy & Wellness in Westwood, for tips:

“If your goal is to keep the peace at a family gathering in which you think a conflict may arise, it is a good idea to practice some self-regulation responses in advance,” says Sanders. “Spend a little time thinking about things that may bait you into an argument, and plan for how you can make choices that will not contribute to escalating the friction. Practice slow, deep breathing, which can really go a long way so you don’t say or do something that you will regret.”

Arguments brewing anyway? “Defusing conflicts is an art form,” says Sanders. “For many families, a gentle, empathic reframe that carries a little humor can take the spark out of a moment that feels like it’s heating up. Something like, ‘OK, OK, I know we all want to be heard and, boy, do we all have things to say! But I am really looking forward to Aunt June’s pie, so can we cool it until after dessert?’”

Nobody pushes your boundaries like family does and, Sanders says, it’s your job to keep them strong. “An important thing to remember about boundaries is that it is your job to set, maintain and reset them when needed. Unfortunately, you do not have control over whether someone else upholds your boundaries. A pushy relative is likely to push right through your limits again and again. If you know this, you can better expect it and be a little less frustrated when it happens. Be prepared to repeat yourself—‘I decided months ago that I wasn’t going to talk politics at Thanksgiving, Uncle Jimmy. Not going to change my mind now!’ If you keep getting bowled over, be prepared to walk away with love: ‘I’m going to get a drink, Grandma. We can talk more later, but not about when I plan on getting pregnant.’”